I open my dryer with a fork. I just wedge that bad boy in a hole where the door handle once was, pry – and pop! It opens. Generally, I only believe in replacing things that are vital to my survival. Like vibrators. Every time my vibrator goes on holiday in Ibiza [translation: I lose […]
Cats believe in retribution. And they’re not screwing around. They know all of your weaknesses and they will use them against you. Forget to the clean the litter box? They shit right next to it. Put sticky tape on the arm of your wicker chair in an effort to save it? They study every inch […]
“He’s trying to usurp my power,” CollickyBaby declares when I walk into her office like an idiot. [Ugh!] Apparently, someone ignored CollickyBaby at a meeting – and it’s been bothering her for a month. [Are you kidding me?! I would pay not to go to meetings. I would pay more to be ignored when I go. […]
Poor little step stool. I purchased it so I don’t fall and die putting up Christmas lights on the low-hung gutters on my house. Sadly, it is now lifting my dainty vagina in my cold dark kitchen at 3 AM so I can pee in the sink. [Which sucks. Because now I have to wash the dishes […]
Sigh. This is why I don’t arrive early to work meetings or want to talk to these assholes in general… Every conversation turns into a combination of The Hunger Games and the 1980’s soap opera, Dynasty. They want to kill you. But in the most dramatic, idiotic way possible. Yet, here I am. And some […]
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you fall asleep naked on your laminate floor. And when you wake up, your cat is licking your nipple. [Yes, the one on the friggin’ breasticle?!] Okay. Let me back up… Too much nipple too soon is always too much. So here we go.