Oh, great. Here comes my nephew, Mikie. He is playing at the other end of the school gym. [The kid’s always surrounded by an entourage. Totally popular. Clearly, we are not related.] “Is she your grandmother?” Nosey Kid asks Mikie as he skips in my direction. So, let’s be clear: “She” is “me.” ME?! [Really? […]
Tag Archives: My Life
I open my dryer with a fork. I just wedge that bad boy in a hole where the door handle once was, pry – and pop! It opens. Generally, I only believe in replacing things that are vital to my survival. Like vibrators. Every time my vibrator goes on holiday in Ibiza [translation: I lose […]
It’s a teeny tiny hole. That’s it. Who knew a teeny tiny hole could be such a huge pain in my ass? “See it? Right there,” the forensic engineer from my insurance company is pointing to a microscopic whole in the vinyl siding of my house that is very close to the roof. Nope, I […]
Shh… I’m at work. Don’t tell anyone I am reading a blog by some dude crushing on his penis. [Gotta love the interwebs, baby!] I don’t want penises anywhere near my body. But if you wanna write about your man parts or just get naked… I’m in. All the way in. Now, hold all of […]
I am not sure what I’m doing in New York in the middle of a hurricane. Hurricane Sandy. This ranks pretty high on my list of Dumb-Things-I-Do-Because-I-Need-To-Live-With-Someone-Who-Is-Not-Bonkers. Need proof? Let’s quickly re-visit the Tree Art Debaucle which obviously led to WagonGate, shall we? Once I brought a chainsaw to cut down a row of small […]
It was Friday. And I was joking around with one of my work-friends. Work-friends are people who act like they would give you a kidney between the hours of 9 and 5, but after 5:01 PM – they pretend not to know you when they you see at Target [because it’s like so inconvenient.] Welcome […]
“I can’t believe you got me to re-schedule a meeting so you can ogle a hot guy?” my boss, FairyWings, laughed. Me neither [but I do appreciate her allegiance to the cause.] “But then I thought to myself,” she continued, “how often is that really going to happen?” [Word. I believe the correct answer is never, […]
She is gone. Missing. You know that feeling you get when you know something is wrong. Well, something is wrong. My cat, Dakota, concurs. On a good day, he is a jittery, suspicious furry hot mess – that only partially likes me. I should have known when I picked him up from the shelter 10 […]
Okay. Let’s get past the obvious. Posting someone’s voicemail is completely foul and a violation of all things good and decent [like bunny rabbits and furry kittens]. So noted. Next. Yes, that was Ben-who-inspires-bitchy-blogs, Ben. The phone call was inevitable. That is how cray cray people operate. They leave bread crumbs of nonsense behind so […]
Much like a pimple on my butt, he is back. Ben. First, he sent flowers on my birthday. Then, a few days ago – a letter on fancy paper with concert tickets for “us” to use (worth $60 each). My homeowner-math [that revolves around bills I have to pay] calculates the total cost at about […]
Right. So this is it. It is 110 degrees outside. And I am walking on the side of the road to the gas station that is 2 minutes away. My muffler fell out of my car on the off-ramp of the highway. It sounded like a boulder exploded. And then, dragging metal. I am wearing […]
CollickyBaby is crying – again. Crud. [Note to self: Never leave the pacifier in the car.] I just need to wiggle by CollickyBaby – and get to my desk [where I can commence surfing the web. I mean working.] This is what my cat, Scout, does when I call her name… She knows I want […]
The Jiggly Bits 