Napkins. I don’t have them. I just don’t. Why is that a thing? Napkins seem like one of those extras. Something you have, but can live without. Like a change purse. Or that felt tomato my grandma once stuck pins in. “But why don’t you have any napkins?” my 7-year-old niece, Kayla, and 9-year-old nephew, Mikie […]
Tag Archives: Inspirational
Poor little step stool. I purchased it so I don’t fall and die putting up Christmas lights on the low-hung gutters on my house. Sadly, it is now lifting my dainty vagina in my cold dark kitchen at 3 AM so I can pee in the sink. [Which sucks. Because now I have to wash the dishes […]
I don’t understand people who brag about working all day at work. What for? “I was up until 2 a.m.” or “I never take lunch,” they say. Whatever, dude. At 2 a.m. my cat is sleeping on my neck. And at lunchtime, I am at Target looking for gardening stuff or hair products. Working 8 […]
“Did you know there is a bug in your back window? Don’t you ever clean your car?” my nephew, Mikie, proclaimed from the back seat of my 2000 Toyota Corolla. “I don’t know anything about the back seat. I never sit back there,” I said. [So take that, kid! ] Question: Is there some reason […]
I can’t find them. This is why I organize everything. I just hate losing things. I am not a clean freak. Ask every cat hair ball roaming around my laminate floors. But I do like to find things. Hence, the twenty million plastic organizers of all shapes and sizes in every closet and drawer. Not […]
“Wow. You have the cleanest ceiling ever,” I said, as a my large breast was smashed like a pancake in the booby machine. The nurse was taken aback. [I am making polite conversation, lady. Hello? Work with me, okay?] “Um… yes, I guess we have cleaners,” she said laughing. “And they clean the ceiling?! That’s […]
It’s official. My vagina is an underachiever. I mean I kinda knew that already – with the cobwebs and all. But now, I have test results to prove it to my um… cats – who give less of a shit than I do. But still… In true geek fashion, I just love getting an A […]
Sigh. What’s with all the “work” at work?! I try to make at least 10% [and by that, I mean 30%] of the day “chat time.” It’s good for the soul – and totally productive, in a non-productive kind of way. Anyway, this is important. FairyWings is about to tell me about him. Biker Dude, him. […]
I am not sure what I’m doing in New York in the middle of a hurricane. Hurricane Sandy. This ranks pretty high on my list of Dumb-Things-I-Do-Because-I-Need-To-Live-With-Someone-Who-Is-Not-Bonkers. Need proof? Let’s quickly re-visit the Tree Art Debaucle which obviously led to WagonGate, shall we? Once I brought a chainsaw to cut down a row of small […]
“When was your last sexual encounter?” she asked directly. [Wow. That’s so forward….Take me to dinner first, at least.] Question: Remember the good old days when you talked about your vagina after some pie and coffee? “Over a year ago,” I said jokingly. “I am working on regaining my virginity.” I have no issues with […]
No one has ever applauded me at a meeting. That is probably because I make a point to avoid them. I mean how the hell should I know how meetings work? I don’t go. [Note to self: Look this up on Google. Meetings/applause/frequency.] Generally, I don’t get it. What is the point of sending an […]
It was Friday. And I was joking around with one of my work-friends. Work-friends are people who act like they would give you a kidney between the hours of 9 and 5, but after 5:01 PM – they pretend not to know you when they you see at Target [because it’s like so inconvenient.] Welcome […]
The Jiggly Bits 