I open my dryer with a fork. I just wedge that bad boy in a hole where the door handle once was, pry – and pop! It opens. Generally, I only believe in replacing things that are vital to my survival. Like vibrators. Every time my vibrator goes on holiday in Ibiza [translation: I lose […]
Tag Archives: cat
Cats believe in retribution. And they’re not screwing around. They know all of your weaknesses and they will use them against you. Forget to the clean the litter box? They shit right next to it. Put sticky tape on the arm of your wicker chair in an effort to save it? They study every inch […]
Napkins. I don’t have them. I just don’t. Why is that a thing? Napkins seem like one of those extras. Something you have, but can live without. Like a change purse. Or that felt tomato my grandma once stuck pins in. “But why don’t you have any napkins?” my 7-year-old niece, Kayla, and 9-year-old nephew, Mikie […]
“He’s trying to usurp my power,” CollickyBaby declares when I walk into her office like an idiot. [Ugh!] Apparently, someone ignored CollickyBaby at a meeting – and it’s been bothering her for a month. [Are you kidding me?! I would pay not to go to meetings. I would pay more to be ignored when I go. […]
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you fall asleep naked on your laminate floor. And when you wake up, your cat is licking your nipple. [Yes, the one on the friggin’ breasticle?!] Okay. Let me back up… Too much nipple too soon is always too much. So here we go.
Sigh. He is farting. In bed. I guess I should feel special. Because he likes to sit right next to my head when he does it. Isn’t that sweet? He’s been cranky since the day I met him. So when he started curling up next my head a night, I thought – “Oh, he likes me, after 10 […]
I don’t understand people who brag about working all day at work. What for? “I was up until 2 a.m.” or “I never take lunch,” they say. Whatever, dude. At 2 a.m. my cat is sleeping on my neck. And at lunchtime, I am at Target looking for gardening stuff or hair products. Working 8 […]
“So, what’s going on?” my neighbor said to my 8-year-old nephew as we walked up my driveway. [Look, Lady. Stop talking to the kid. I never know what the hell he’s going to say.] Here is the situation: My neighbors clean up dead things in my yard, shovel all of my snow for free, and […]
He is here. At my front door again. We spent two nights together. And now, the adorable fucker always comes back. And he just sits there. Looking so damn cute. That’s how he sucked me in the first time. I don’t even know he’s out there. Until my cats go batshit crazy. Growling. Throwing their […]
“Who is coming to the Christmas party?,” my boss asked in the last meeting. [Honestly, can we just focus on one painful charade – I mean holiday – at a time? Thanksgiving isn’t even over, for crissakes!] “Do people still go to that insipid thing?” I respond without a beat. Let’s flashback to the Christmas […]
It’s official. My vagina is an underachiever. I mean I kinda knew that already – with the cobwebs and all. But now, I have test results to prove it to my um… cats – who give less of a shit than I do. But still… In true geek fashion, I just love getting an A […]
Sigh. What’s with all the “work” at work?! I try to make at least 10% [and by that, I mean 30%] of the day “chat time.” It’s good for the soul – and totally productive, in a non-productive kind of way. Anyway, this is important. FairyWings is about to tell me about him. Biker Dude, him. […]
