I am not sure what I’m doing in New York in the middle of a hurricane. Hurricane Sandy. This ranks pretty high on my list of Dumb-Things-I-Do-Because-I-Need-To-Live-With-Someone-Who-Is-Not-Bonkers. Need proof? Let’s quickly re-visit the Tree Art Debaucle which obviously led to WagonGate, shall we? Once I brought a chainsaw to cut down a row of small […]
“When was your last sexual encounter?” she asked directly. [Wow. That’s so forward….Take me to dinner first, at least.] Question: Remember the good old days when you talked about your vagina after some pie and coffee? “Over a year ago,” I said jokingly. “I am working on regaining my virginity.” I have no issues with […]
No one has ever applauded me at a meeting. That is probably because I make a point to avoid them. I mean how the hell should I know how meetings work? I don’t go. [Note to self: Look this up on Google. Meetings/applause/frequency.] Generally, I don’t get it. What is the point of sending an […]
It was Friday. And I was joking around with one of my work-friends. Work-friends are people who act like they would give you a kidney between the hours of 9 and 5, but after 5:01 PM – they pretend not to know you when they you see at Target [because it’s like so inconvenient.] Welcome […]
Great. So he’s not just a pretty face. How utterly disappointing. I guess I should have realized this when I looked up his bio – in proper stalker fashion on Google – and found a list of degrees, books, and research articles a mile long. Whatever, Professor Unicorn. Methinks thou reads too much. It’s just […]
“I can’t believe you got me to re-schedule a meeting so you can ogle a hot guy?” my boss, FairyWings, laughed. Me neither [but I do appreciate her allegiance to the cause.] “But then I thought to myself,” she continued, “how often is that really going to happen?” [Word. I believe the correct answer is never, […]
She is gone. Missing. You know that feeling you get when you know something is wrong. Well, something is wrong. My cat, Dakota, concurs. On a good day, he is a jittery, suspicious furry hot mess – that only partially likes me. I should have known when I picked him up from the shelter 10 […]
Okay. Let’s get past the obvious. Posting someone’s voicemail is completely foul and a violation of all things good and decent [like bunny rabbits and furry kittens]. So noted. Next. Yes, that was Ben-who-inspires-bitchy-blogs, Ben. The phone call was inevitable. That is how cray cray people operate. They leave bread crumbs of nonsense behind so […]
Much like a pimple on my butt, he is back. Ben. First, he sent flowers on my birthday. Then, a few days ago – a letter on fancy paper with concert tickets for “us” to use (worth $60 each). My homeowner-math [that revolves around bills I have to pay] calculates the total cost at about […]
Right. So this is it. It is 110 degrees outside. And I am walking on the side of the road to the gas station that is 2 minutes away. My muffler fell out of my car on the off-ramp of the highway. It sounded like a boulder exploded. And then, dragging metal. I am wearing […]
CollickyBaby is crying – again. Crud. [Note to self: Never leave the pacifier in the car.] I just need to wiggle by CollickyBaby – and get to my desk [where I can commence surfing the web. I mean working.] This is what my cat, Scout, does when I call her name… She knows I want […]
“It’ll be done before you get home,” he said confidently on the phone. Right. So let me get this straight… He will do everything. I will do nothing. Got it. Say no more. Sign me up. Gimme some of that. Then, gimme some mo’. I am pretty sure that “It will be done before you […]
The Jiggly Bits 