He is staring at my tits. Yawn. So been there, so done that. Yet another perk of having DD-cup breasts, not to be outdone by other nifty benefits like: having an automatic napkin to catch crumbs and assorted food, or a shelf for my cats to nap, or a place to rest the TV remote. […]
I don’t understand people who brag about working all day at work. What for? “I was up until 2 a.m.” or “I never take lunch,” they say. Whatever, dude. At 2 a.m. my cat is sleeping on my neck. And at lunchtime, I am at Target looking for gardening stuff or hair products. Working 8 […]
“Did you know there is a bug in your back window? Don’t you ever clean your car?” my nephew, Mikie, proclaimed from the back seat of my 2000 Toyota Corolla. “I don’t know anything about the back seat. I never sit back there,” I said. [So take that, kid! ] Question: Is there some reason […]
At first, I want you. I really, really want you. And I am just like any other stalker. Diligent. Methodical. And lookin’ your ass up on the internet. Like every day. Studying you. I imagine touching you. Working on you. Over and over again. Until you come. And then, I am embarrassed to say this. […]
“So, what’s going on?” my neighbor said to my 8-year-old nephew as we walked up my driveway. [Look, Lady. Stop talking to the kid. I never know what the hell he’s going to say.] Here is the situation: My neighbors clean up dead things in my yard, shovel all of my snow for free, and […]
He is here. At my front door again. We spent two nights together. And now, the adorable fucker always comes back. And he just sits there. Looking so damn cute. That’s how he sucked me in the first time. I don’t even know he’s out there. Until my cats go batshit crazy. Growling. Throwing their […]
I can’t find them. This is why I organize everything. I just hate losing things. I am not a clean freak. Ask every cat hair ball roaming around my laminate floors. But I do like to find things. Hence, the twenty million plastic organizers of all shapes and sizes in every closet and drawer. Not […]
“Wow. You have the cleanest ceiling ever,” I said, as a my large breast was smashed like a pancake in the booby machine. The nurse was taken aback. [I am making polite conversation, lady. Hello? Work with me, okay?] “Um… yes, I guess we have cleaners,” she said laughing. “And they clean the ceiling?! That’s […]
“Who is coming to the Christmas party?,” my boss asked in the last meeting. [Honestly, can we just focus on one painful charade – I mean holiday – at a time? Thanksgiving isn’t even over, for crissakes!] “Do people still go to that insipid thing?” I respond without a beat. Let’s flashback to the Christmas […]
It’s official. My vagina is an underachiever. I mean I kinda knew that already – with the cobwebs and all. But now, I have test results to prove it to my um… cats – who give less of a shit than I do. But still… In true geek fashion, I just love getting an A […]
Sigh. What’s with all the “work” at work?! I try to make at least 10% [and by that, I mean 30%] of the day “chat time.” It’s good for the soul – and totally productive, in a non-productive kind of way. Anyway, this is important. FairyWings is about to tell me about him. Biker Dude, him. […]
Khloe Kardashian had a nip slip. And I. missed. it! Nads. I am totally trying not to use profanity for like a whole 5 seconds…. But holy cunnilingus. Are you telling me that I watched 2 hours of that insipid show – The X Factor – and I missed the nipple action. Say it ain’t so? […]
The Jiggly Bits 