I open my dryer with a fork. I just wedge that bad boy in a hole where the door handle once was, pry – and pop! It opens. Generally, I only believe in replacing things that are vital to my survival. Like vibrators. Every time my vibrator goes on holiday in Ibiza [translation: I lose […]
Category Archives: inspirational
Cats believe in retribution. And they’re not screwing around. They know all of your weaknesses and they will use them against you. Forget to the clean the litter box? They shit right next to it. Put sticky tape on the arm of your wicker chair in an effort to save it? They study every inch […]
Napkins. I don’t have them. I just don’t. Why is that a thing? Napkins seem like one of those extras. Something you have, but can live without. Like a change purse. Or that felt tomato my grandma once stuck pins in. “But why don’t you have any napkins?” my 7-year-old niece, Kayla, and 9-year-old nephew, Mikie […]
Poor little step stool. I purchased it so I don’t fall and die putting up Christmas lights on the low-hung gutters on my house. Sadly, it is now lifting my dainty vagina in my cold dark kitchen at 3 AM so I can pee in the sink. [Which sucks. Because now I have to wash the dishes […]
I don’t understand people who brag about working all day at work. What for? “I was up until 2 a.m.” or “I never take lunch,” they say. Whatever, dude. At 2 a.m. my cat is sleeping on my neck. And at lunchtime, I am at Target looking for gardening stuff or hair products. Working 8 […]
It’s official. My vagina is an underachiever. I mean I kinda knew that already – with the cobwebs and all. But now, I have test results to prove it to my um… cats – who give less of a shit than I do. But still… In true geek fashion, I just love getting an A […]
Sigh. What’s with all the “work” at work?! I try to make at least 10% [and by that, I mean 30%] of the day “chat time.” It’s good for the soul – and totally productive, in a non-productive kind of way. Anyway, this is important. FairyWings is about to tell me about him. Biker Dude, him. […]
Khloe Kardashian had a nip slip. And I. missed. it! Nads. I am totally trying not to use profanity for like a whole 5 seconds…. But holy cunnilingus. Are you telling me that I watched 2 hours of that insipid show – The X Factor – and I missed the nipple action. Say it ain’t so? […]
I am not sure what I’m doing in New York in the middle of a hurricane. Hurricane Sandy. This ranks pretty high on my list of Dumb-Things-I-Do-Because-I-Need-To-Live-With-Someone-Who-Is-Not-Bonkers. Need proof? Let’s quickly re-visit the Tree Art Debaucle which obviously led to WagonGate, shall we? Once I brought a chainsaw to cut down a row of small […]
