Oh, great. Here comes my nephew, Mikie. He is playing at the other end of the school gym. [The kid’s always surrounded by an entourage. Totally popular. Clearly, we are not related.] “Is she your grandmother?” Nosey Kid asks Mikie as he skips in my direction. So, let’s be clear: “She” is “me.” ME?! [Really? […]
Author Archives: Teeny Bikini
I open my dryer with a fork. I just wedge that bad boy in a hole where the door handle once was, pry – and pop! It opens. Generally, I only believe in replacing things that are vital to my survival. Like vibrators. Every time my vibrator goes on holiday in Ibiza [translation: I lose […]
Cats believe in retribution. And they’re not screwing around. They know all of your weaknesses and they will use them against you. Forget to the clean the litter box? They shit right next to it. Put sticky tape on the arm of your wicker chair in an effort to save it? They study every inch […]
Napkins. I don’t have them. I just don’t. Why is that a thing? Napkins seem like one of those extras. Something you have, but can live without. Like a change purse. Or that felt tomato my grandma once stuck pins in. “But why don’t you have any napkins?” my 7-year-old niece, Kayla, and 9-year-old nephew, Mikie […]
“He’s trying to usurp my power,” CollickyBaby declares when I walk into her office like an idiot. [Ugh!] Apparently, someone ignored CollickyBaby at a meeting – and it’s been bothering her for a month. [Are you kidding me?! I would pay not to go to meetings. I would pay more to be ignored when I go. […]
Poor little step stool. I purchased it so I don’t fall and die putting up Christmas lights on the low-hung gutters on my house. Sadly, it is now lifting my dainty vagina in my cold dark kitchen at 3 AM so I can pee in the sink. [Which sucks. Because now I have to wash the dishes […]
Never buy a house where adorable little boys reside next door. Because one day they grow into teenagers. And that bites. Last week, one of said teen idiots looked at a crater-sized hole in my front lawn [that the Water Company dug for no apparent reason in January?!] – and thought stupid thoughts. Like… “Hey, my […]
Sigh. This is why I don’t arrive early to work meetings or want to talk to these assholes in general… Every conversation turns into a combination of The Hunger Games and the 1980’s soap opera, Dynasty. They want to kill you. But in the most dramatic, idiotic way possible. Yet, here I am. And some […]
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you fall asleep naked on your laminate floor. And when you wake up, your cat is licking your nipple. [Yes, the one on the friggin’ breasticle?!] Okay. Let me back up… Too much nipple too soon is always too much. So here we go.
Sigh. He is farting. In bed. I guess I should feel special. Because he likes to sit right next to my head when he does it. Isn’t that sweet? He’s been cranky since the day I met him. So when he started curling up next my head a night, I thought – “Oh, he likes me, after 10 […]
It’s a teeny tiny hole. That’s it. Who knew a teeny tiny hole could be such a huge pain in my ass? “See it? Right there,” the forensic engineer from my insurance company is pointing to a microscopic whole in the vinyl siding of my house that is very close to the roof. Nope, I […]
Shh… I’m at work. Don’t tell anyone I am reading a blog by some dude crushing on his penis. [Gotta love the interwebs, baby!] I don’t want penises anywhere near my body. But if you wanna write about your man parts or just get naked… I’m in. All the way in. Now, hold all of […]
The Jiggly Bits 